Various Apostrophes--Complaints to the Inanimate Objects in my Life

First of all, Disc Drive of my PC: Please move away from where I rest my thigh when I'm on the computer. I do not want to open the disc drive just because my thigh is there. Thank you.

Secondly, Retainer, it's great having you around. I like you much better than braces, but you have the annoying tendency to slur my speech and make me sound like I have fewer IQ points than I actually do. If you could remedy this, I'm sure we'll get along better. Maybe I'll consider not biting you as much. Kindest regards.

To the doorknob of the hallway door: Honestly, it's not that much to ask to stay out of the way of my elbow. You come into constant contact with one another, but only elbows bruise. You come away from these incidents laughing, like you've done something funny, and my elbow comes running to me tattling that you just smacked it. Please, can't we all just get along?